I promised this would be nothing like your English teacher’s book reviews, remember? So prepare for loads of profanity as we dive into the angst and rage buried behind the beautiful, old English that this classic was written in.
First, what is Roast-Vision?
I was chatting about P&P with a friend some years back and pulled out the lines that Jane Austen uses to first describe Mrs. Bennet, and my friend pointed out how “that’s such a harsh description,” which is true.
But then it struck me; the narrator of P&P (which is mostly Lizzy’s POV with occasional dabbles into other views) is so funny BECAUSE the narration is absolutely roasting everyone around them at every opportunity! This is a rom-com. It’s not meant to flatter anyone but rather to point out the flaws of everyone because that’s what a good satire like this does. Jane Austen was not writing this book in a way to appeal to upper-classes; she was absolutely blasting them in language that – in her time – would’ve been considered completely scandalous.
That’s why I feel it’s necessary that for you all to fully grasp the sort of feelings Jane would’ve been conveying through her words back then, I must “translate” some highlights for you in common day swearing, with full roast-vision goggles on, to show you those parts of scalding insults you missed the first time you saw this book.
If you haven’t read it, here’s the P&P TL;DR version:
It only takes 10 minutes & sums up the highlights.
Now, onto the roasts:
Roast 1 Target: The Neighbors
The famous opening reads:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.
However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.
To really get the Roast-vision translation here, you have to understand country living mentality. In the place where the Bennet family lives, they are surrounded by farms. That’s it. What does that mean for girls growing up there? Everybody knows everybody and thus HATES everybody else…because there are so few people around that they see the same god-damn faces all the time, whether they want to or not…so as soon as a new person moves in, and especially if it’s a single man, the unmarried women go into a frenzy like fucking zombies screaming out for fresh meat like:
Roast 2 Target: Mrs. Bennet
I’m going to break this down in roaster-vision one line at a time:
“Her mind was less difficult to develop.” (The woman doesn’t know how to keep her damn mouth shut nor any of her thoughts to herself. In other words, “I wonder what Mrs. Bennet is thinking?” SAID NO ONE EVER.)
“She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper.” (This bitch doesn’t understand shit, would make the world’s worst detective, and has mood swings like fucking ocean waves.)
“When she was discontented, she fancied herself nervous.” (She’s a hypochondriac who uses any moment of unhappiness as a sign that she could be losing her fucking mind. In the Georgian era, “nervous women” were considered prone to hysteria and going mad. Hence the whole “have respect for my nerves” bit that she yells at her husband (i.e. “I could go completely crazy you know, and it would be all YOUR FAULT.”)
“The business of her life was to get her daughters married; its solace was visiting and news.” (This woman plans her daughter’s weddings day and night, even though there are no eligible bachelors yet. Every day that she wakes up without a wedding of one of her daughters to look forward to sucks ass. But hey, if she can get some juicy gossip from the neighbors, then that’ll do for now.)
Roast 3 Target: Mr. Darcy
“Mr. Darcy soon drew the attention of the room by his fine, tall person, handsome features, noble mien, and the report which was in general circulation within five minutes after his entrance, of his having ten thousand a year. The gentlemen pronounced him to be a fine figure of a man, the ladies declared he was much handsomer than Mr. Bingley, and he was looked at with great admiration for about half the evening, till his manners gave a disgust which turned the tide of his popularity; for he was discovered to be proud; to be above his company, and above being pleased; and not all his large estate in Derbyshire could then save him from having a most forbidding, disagreeable countenance, and being unworthy to be compared with his friend.
… Mr. Darcy danced only once with Mrs. Hurst and once with Miss Bingley, declined being introduced to any other lady, and spent the rest of the evening in walking about the room, speaking occasionally to one of his own party. His character was decided. He was the proudest, most disagreeable man in the world, and everybody hoped that he would never come there again.”
Roast-Vision translation:
Mr. Darcy may be hot and rich AF, but what’s the point if he won’t even talk to any of us? This rude asshole is a waste of our time.
Then comes the unforgivable insult: When he won’t dance with Lizzy
Page 7: (with roast-vision notes in parentheses).
"Come, Darcy," said he, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance." (Why the fuck did you come to a dance if you’re not going to dance? Don’t be a fucking wallflower, Darcy.)
"I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this it would be insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with." (Darcy: I hate dancing. I don’t know anyone. Are you just trying to make me look like an ass in front of strangers?)
**Side note: Mr. Darcy, being in a slightly higher part of the upper class since he’s richer than Bingley, actually does have more expectations impressed upon him by his Aunt and society that he shouldn’t go out dancing with just anyone in a common assembly (rather than a proper ball) because otherwise people would be likely to start rumors that he’s sleeping around with lower classes, and yada, yada, yada.
"I would not be so fastidious as you are," cried Mr. Bingley, "for a kingdom! Upon my honour, I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life as I have this evening; and there are several of them you see uncommonly pretty." (Bingley: This joint is jumping with hot bitches, so what’s your problem?)
"You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room," said Mr. Darcy, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet. (Your date is the only one here who’s really hot.)
"Oh! She is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you." (Hey, my date has a sister who’s kinda hot. She can help hook you up.)
"Which do you mean?" and turning round he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and coldly said: "She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me." (Darcy: Who, Lizzy? I wouldn’t touch that bitch with a 10-foot pole, and it looks like no one else would either, which is why all the other guys left here there sitting on her ass instead of dancing. Leave me alone, dumbass.)
So you can see why Lizzy hates Darcy forever starting from basically THIS moment.
You can see the look of, “What the fuck did he just say?” written all over that face. 😂
Roast 4 Target: Lydia
Page 27:
“Lydia was a stout, well-grown girl of fifteen, with a fine complexion and good-humoured countenance; a favourite with her mother, whose affection had brought her into public at an early age. She had high animal spirits, and a sort of natural self-consequence, which the attention of the officers, to whom her uncle's good dinners, and her own easy manners recommended her, had increased into assurance. She was very equal, therefore, to address Mr. Bingley on the subject of the ball, and abruptly reminded him of his promise; adding, that it would be the most shameful thing in the world if he did not keep it. His answer to this sudden attack was delightful to their mother's ear:
Roast-vision translation: This Mommy’s girl has been spoiled so much in all the wrong ways that she now goes around bullying grown-ass men almost twice her age into throwing balls without even blushing nor breaking a sweat. This bitch lives to party, and nothing else.
Roast 5 Target: Mr. Collins
Pgs.62 - 63
Note that here she says, “No” to Mr.Collins’ FIVE TIMES, and he doesn’t accept her response once.
Mr. Collins’ proposal:
“"You are too hasty, sir," she cried. "You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do it without further loss of time. Accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me. I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than to decline them."
"I am not now to learn," replied Mr. Collins, with a formal wave of the hand, "that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their favour; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second, or even a third time. I am therefore by no means discouraged by what you have just said, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long."
"Upon my word, sir," cried Elizabeth, "your hope is a rather extraordinary one after my declaration. I do assure you that I am not one of those young ladies (if such young ladies there are) who are so daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second time. I am perfectly serious in my refusal. You could not make me happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who could make you so. Nay, were your friend Lady Catherine to know me, I am persuaded she would find me in every respect ill qualified for the situation."
"Were it certain that Lady Catherine would think so," said Mr. Collins very gravely--"but I cannot imagine that her ladyship would at all disapprove of you. And you may be certain when I have the honour of seeing her again, I shall speak in the very highest terms of your modesty, economy, and other amiable qualification."
"Indeed, Mr. Collins, all praise of me will be unnecessary. You must give me leave to judge for myself, and pay me the compliment of believing what I say. I wish you very happy and very rich, and by refusing your hand, do all in my power to prevent your being otherwise. In making me the offer, you must have satisfied the delicacy of your feelings with regard to my family, and may take possession of Longbourn estate whenever it falls, without any self-reproach. This matter may be considered, therefore, as finally settled." And rising as she thus spoke, she would have quitted the room, had Mr. Collins not thus addressed her:
"When I do myself the honour of speaking to you next on the subject, I shall hope to receive a more favourable answer than you have now given me; though I am far from accusing you of cruelty at present, because I know it to be the established custom of your sex to reject a man on the first application, and perhaps you have even now said as much to encourage my suit as would be consistent with the true delicacy of the female character."
"Really, Mr. Collins," cried Elizabeth with some warmth, "you puzzle me exceedingly. If what I have hitherto said can appear to you in the form of encouragement, I know not how to express my refusal in such a way as to convince you of its being one."
"You must give me leave to flatter myself, my dear cousin, that your refusal of my addresses is merely words of course. My reasons for believing it are briefly these: It does not appear to me that my hand is unworthy your acceptance, or that the establishment I can offer would be any other than highly desirable. My situation in life, my connections with the family of de Bourgh, and my relationship to your own, are circumstances highly in my favour; and you should take it into further consideration, that in spite of your manifold attractions, it is by no means certain that another offer of marriage may ever be made you. Your portion is unhappily so small that it will in all likelihood undo the effects of your loveliness and amiable qualifications. As I must therefore conclude that you are not serious in your rejection of me, I shall choose to attribute it to your wish of increasing my love by suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females."
"I do assure you, sir, that I have no pretensions whatever to that kind of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man. I would rather be paid the compliment of being believed sincere. I thank you again and again for the honour you have done me in your proposals, but to accept them is absolutely impossible. My feelings in every respect forbid it. Can I speak plainer? Do not consider me now as an elegant female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart."
"You are uniformly charming!" cried he, with an air of awkward gallantry; "and I am persuaded that when sanctioned by the express authority of both your excellent parents, my proposals will not fail of being acceptable."
Roast-vision summary: Lizzy starts out trying to be polite like “Thanks, but no, I can’t.” Then she’s forced to escalate it to, “I’m no good for you; we’d never be happy together; no one expect you to do this just because you’re inheriting this house…and “Finally, for the love of God, what the fuck do I have to say to make you understand that no means no, & I don’t give a damn what my parents have to say about it? I will make your life miserable, so back the fuck off!”
The Crème de la crème: Darcy’s first proposal
The 2005 film version is my favorite, although they did edit this memorable conversation to make it easier for modern audiences to follow. It plays out like this:
Now, here’s my roast-vision version of the convo to really break it down further:
After Darcy said: (page 107)
“In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."
Elizabeth was shocked speechless. She almost felt sorry that she had to tell the fucker that sorry, there was no way in hell she’d marry her arch-enemy, until he started using choice phrases like:
“her inferiority--of its being a degradation--of the family obstacles” and then she realized he was trying to impress her with the insult.
Somehow, he thought that, “Hey, even though I think your family are a bunch of lower-class people with no taste that I fucking hate so much I even talked my best friend OUT of marrying into your family…even though I tried to suppress my feelings towards you because everyone thinks it’s wrong that I should even like a poor bitch like you…despite all that, fuck it, I still want you, so marry me. You know you want to. I can see it on your face. Say yes already, and let’s get this over with.”
AND HE THOUGHT THAT WAS ROMANTIC.
(Because you see, since he’s a rich arrogant asshole, he’s never actually had to try to impress or woo anyone before. Everyone else has always been seeking HIS approval. So naturally, he didn’t feel like he needed to make much of an effort.)
So Elizabeth delivers the biggest FUCK YOU speech in all of Georgian-era novel history in return (paraphrased here in Roast-Vision form:)
I was never even trying to make you like me, you dumb fuck. Furthermore, you manipulative, back-stabbing asswipe, since I know you talked your best friend out of marrying my sister, then surely you can talk yourself out of having any feelings for me. It can’t be that hard since you have so many reasons to hate me, as you said to me just now, for some fucking stupid reason. Plus, I’ve already hated your guts ever since Wickham told me how you cut him out of your father’s will and left him broke on his ass for no good reason. No one could even pay me enough money to marry your selfish ass, and I have hated you from the first day we met, so go to hell and stay there.
But that’s ok because they both learn lessons…
After Elizabeth realizes she was lied to by Wickham, and Darcy saves Lydia from becoming an un-marriagible “tainted goods” girl, they both become better people and live happily ever after.
Cue my favorite fan-pic bonus scene from P&P 2005:
BTW, want more humor in your life?
By the way, I’ve just launched a Cozy Sci-Fi Comedy series that you’ll probably love if you’re into wild satires like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Monty Python, and/or Good Omens.
The first episode is free to read over here: